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coliom's Blog


what...

i dont know whats going on, sometimes i just feel like i'm going through the steps of life but there is nothing behind my actions other then thats what i'm supposed to be doing.  If i didnt have to do anything i dont know what i would do probly just *** myself and watch it slowly pump out drop by drop.  there is no drive in my being, there is just empty actions, just a robot made of flesh continuing my meaningless life....

nightly

nightly i run a blade across my skin, i don't really know why, i'm soo angry that i cant cut, because if people knew then my life would be over, i want to cut soo bad.....

Well last night...

Well i guess this blog is supossed to be completely honest.
Last night i found out that the girl that i fell in love with didnt want to meet after talking for almost a year and a half.           Pretty much telling me to forget about ever meeting, I was depressed and wanted to drink alot, it turned out that i was wrong about her wanting to meet me. She does want to meet me, and hopefully we will meet this winter, no we WILL meet this winter. I dont know, life is starting to lose meaning again... except for her, she is what keeps me going, something to look forward to, someone to look forward to spending my life with.....

Expecting too much

I'm sorry for expecting so much from you, basically telling you to drop your life for a short time. To devote that time solely to me, that is too much to ask from a person with out alot of time to talk about it, I’m sorry I sprung this on you so fast. I should have talked to you more, and I forgot that you still have a life going on completely without me. You should not feel bad for saying no, it was wrong of me to ask so much without thinking about your feelings and your life.
Dreams are there so that you have something to look forward to, and that’s what this continues to be for me, a Sweet Dream that I hope to come true one day...

back on platoon

well i'm going to be back on platoon on monday so i will be away again for a while.... damn i wish i could talk to you...i miss you...lots of hugs... 


feelings...

I want to fall backwards onto my bed, my arms outstretched, feel the air being pushed out of my lungs as my necklace falls onto my chest. My body rises up only to fall back down to rest in the chaos of my mind, on my covers. Thoughts flash through my mind, bullets through my brain eating the focus as they pass through. The blood wants to flow... what stops it.... thin layers of skin, few emotions...  ............................................................................................................................... ............................................................... ......................................................................................... .............................................................................................................. what do i do next.....


I feel like

I feel like cutting right now, i dont know why, i just got an urge to cut, to slice my arm up, for no apparent reason, i just got the feeling to do it... 

I havent decided if i am going to or not....


The Hard Truth

I'm so sorry....

It would be nice to believe i have feelings even when i say i dont, but the truth is that i dont have feelings at all.  Even when i think about loosing you all i can feel is a bigger hole, feel somehow more empty. Thats the reason i cut is to feel something, becuase i cant feel anything, nothing, empty, if a nomal person with feelings was a rainbow i would be seen as blackness, not a strip of black but just black floating in a sea of blackness, so nothing, nothing but emptyness.  I feel bad for trying to comfort you when i feel like this, i can hardly type things like i'm glad, or i'm happy, or even smilely faces... i dont want to lie to you but what can i do, tell you that i dont feel anything for you, that it doesnt matter, i just feel a more empty if you leave.... My life has been reduced to emptyness with spots of feelings, those spots of feeling are mostly of you...

 

Shit sorry i just got Déjà vu, and some time i can see a bit of what comes next... and i dont think it was good.... 

 

I'm so sorry that i feel like this, i wish it would have happened earlyer in our relationship so you would have seen this side of me before we got attached to eachother. I dont even know if i feel sorry.... how different is it from emptyness.... i dont know, but i do know that if you leave i know my hole will be bigger... but i would understand, and whats a bigger hole to some one that cant feel anyways...

Sorry....


I'm an Idiot

I hate myself right now, i have started to push someone i care very much for away. I have stoped talking to her about my feelings, pushing her away... All becuase i cant tell what i'm feeling, or if i am feeling anything at all, how can i love someone when i cant feel... how can i feel anything toward her if i cant feel... How can i expect her to love me when i cant feel it, when i cant return her feelings....

This is why i have pushed her away, like i nomaly do with people...

I know i have hurt her deeply, but whats the alternitive.... .....i feel a a bigger hole in myself then before, i feel more empty... maybe when my feelings return i will even cry, cry for the first time in a very long time.... I'm Sorry.... I want to cut to feel somthing then maybe i'll be able to feel the pain that she feels, maybe then i'll know what i have done..... 


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Doing chores

Well i'm going outside to do some chores, i need to work off some anger about a few things, and cleaning up the brush around my house is a good way to work off that anger, plus i may even get a few cuts and scrapes :)

So i'll be back some time, hopefully less angry...hopefully with a few scrapes too..... 


Worst F*cking Dream Ever

Last night I had a horrible dream, it was basicly the movie 25th hour, the movie is about a guy that gets caught with drugs and is going to jail for 7 years. The movie is about the day before he goes to jail, my dream went over the whole movie, a few little variations, then continued when i got to jail.

It was a very vivid dream, i wouldnt be surprised if i was yelling in my sleep. The worst thing was that it was my life i screwed up, that i had all these plans of getting into the army, of visiting Romania, of having a good life, but my dream took that all away, insted it put me in prison with a bunch of hard criminals.

The one good thing that this dream showed me is that i do have a bit of hope for the future, and do have a few dreams... 


Weakness

 This is a quote from one of my favorite shows Jekyll, This quote is for some one special....hope it helps you understand

 

I'm so strong I walk through this funny little world of your and barely even notice it, it bores me,....but you....you Mrs. Jackman....you make me weak, i notice you.

 

Yes your name is not Mrs. Jackman but i was quoting :P


just realized

I just realized that I dont talk to my friends in real life anymore, the only people i talk to anymore are my friends online, I'm not upset at all about it, i dont even know if i'm effected by it at all.

It has taken to this point before i have even noticed, i have been enjoying my conversations online so much i havent even thought about real life.

I dont realy have much to say. 


Movie night

I'm a bit scared to talk to her becuase we kinda had a bit of "history" nothing ever came of it, except me "being an idiot" :P
So i will see what happens, she has told me a few times that she realy missed me, so i dont know if she missed me or just missed partying with me.

The whole "relationship" if you could even call it that, was fucked, i liked her but i was super shy, mostly becuase i had never kissed a girl :(, but i have now :P. She...she had her own problems, she liked me, i guess, but she didnt act like it most of the time, like at parties, we all would be partying and i would try to get close to her, just sit beside her and stuff, but she would never make an effort. Usauly at night when everyone was going to bed thats when she would find me, but then becuase i was shy i never made a move, so it was pretty fucked :P.
Then how i think i ended it was.... well i'll tell you what i did for her bday when i first knew i liked her.
It was her birthday and she was going into town with a bunch of girls for dinner then a movie, an I wanted to go but it was all girls, so i knew that they were going to see a movie at w/e time, so i got a friend to drive me to town i got some flowers and waited for them to show up at the movie.
So there i am standing there waiting, (i got there early to make sure i was there) with a arm full of flowers in the middle of the lobby, embarassed as shit, but w/e its for her. They show up all 12 girls, i'm like O SHIT, btw i go bright red when i get embarased, then they start pointing, so i have to wait for her to pay for the ticket then she comes over and i give her the flowers and wish her a happy birthday, i think we hug. Thats what i did for her birthday, i'm still proud i did it even tho i was a quivering, scared, bright red, weakling. :P

So how i fucked it up, i guess, was we were at a party at my friends for canada day, and she was pissed at me for some reason early in the night, so every time i tryed to hang out with her she would just walk away, so i was getting a bit pissed and realy drunk becuase i was getting a bit down. So later in the night there was a girl there that was freezing becuase she didnt think it was going to be that cold out, i had already given away my hoddie to someone else so i just kind stood beside her and put my arm around her to try to warm her up, i think i was even talking about Nicole, the girl i like, at this point i was full on drunk.
At one point i bet this girl some drinks that i know 30 drinking games off by heart, i had a paper with the names writen down, i pulled it out and i couldnt focus on it, it was soooo blurry, so i just said well you name them and i'll tell you what the game is, and i did it for over 45 drinking games :D i'm still proud of that.
Back to Nicole well i guess she saw me and this girl together and she thought i was hitting on her, so she got pissed and i ened up chasing her around the party all night trying to talk, but she kept hiding and not talking to me, so i found some guys in the kitchen eating a cake so i hung out with them till the sun came up.
so thats basicly how our relationship went, it was super messed, plus she had said later on that she has too many problems and doesnt want me to have to worrie, or somthing like that, and she couldnt understand that I have some pretty good problems going on.
 


F***ed Dreams i have been having

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I think i'm done

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Want to cut

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there is no is no problem with this entry, i just have nothing to say anymore............


Is it Starting?

Is it starting already am i pushing people away, to gain some space for the next step. Is this the first step in the climb to the top, is this where i start my end.  I have been here before, and I have rehearsed these steps in my mind over and over again, i know them all, all the timing, all the simple little things to say, the unnoticable ways to act, to cuase the least impact.

Turning the tidal wave into a ripple.....

Maybe i'll do the work of Death this time....


1-20 of 21 Blogs   

Previous Posts
what..., posted February 12th, 2013
nightly, posted January 30th, 2011
Well last night..., posted August 22nd, 2010, 2 comments
Expecting too much, posted August 19th, 2010, 1 comment
back on platoon, posted January 16th, 2010, 1 comment
feelings..., posted January 6th, 2010, 2 comments
I feel like, posted July 15th, 2009, 1 comment
The Hard Truth, posted July 9th, 2009, 2 comments
I'm an Idiot, posted July 9th, 2009, 1 comment
......, posted July 6th, 2009, 1 comment
Doing chores, posted July 4th, 2009, 1 comment
Worst F*cking Dream Ever, posted June 19th, 2009, 2 comments
Weakness, posted June 19th, 2009
just realized, posted June 15th, 2009
Movie night, posted June 3rd, 2009
F***ed Dreams i have been having, posted June 2nd, 2009, 1 comment
I think i'm done, posted May 23rd, 2009
Want to cut, posted May 23rd, 2009
....., posted May 19th, 2009
Is it Starting?, posted May 19th, 2009, 2 comments
Scared, posted May 19th, 2009
Fantasy, posted May 19th, 2009
Random Thoughts, posted May 19th, 2009
Thinking about Suicide Attempts, posted May 15th, 2009
I Cant Decide, posted May 13th, 2009
That Night, posted May 13th, 2009
What Is The Point, posted May 8th, 2009
how the world see's me, posted February 4th, 2009
Suicide letter, posted February 3rd, 2009

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